Its my birthday today. I am now 36 years old.
It looks quite an age typed down but the truth is, I don't feel a day past 18. No kidding. After more than a decade of being in active employment and reaching quite a respectable level of responsibility, I still feel I am playing pretend.
I cannot explain the feeling any further than that.
I look back and take stock of my life and ask myself what have I really achieved
? And the stark truth is - nothing remarkable. People tell me oh, but you have moved countries, gotten married, had a child, bought a house. Yes. I have. But there is nothing remarkable or outstanding about that. People do stuff like that everyday.
When I was twenty I really thought that by the time I turned 30, I would have done something different with my life. Not necessarily become hugely rich or successful, although that would be nice, but I thought I would have made a change
somehow. Thought outside the box. Achieved a whole lot more.
Looking back, I think at fourteen/fifteen, the age at which I was expected to start making life choices as regards my future path - you know, you are in form three and expected to choose the subjects you thought would lead you down the path to a law court, or operating theatre, or a successful engineering firm (notice how all other options were pooh-poohed. No siree, no child of mine is going to become a fashion designer
. Sigh, how times have changed.) - at that age, I was far too young to know what I wanted out of life. The fact I did well in certain subjects and not so well in others, was in no way an indication of what my true talents were. For goodness sake, here I am at 36 and I still
don��t know what I want to do with my life. I have just drifted to the point I am at now. I really didn't follow any sort of check list to get here.
I sort of half admire, half envy people who know exactly what they want to do and set about achieving it. I, on the other hand, am still Searching. Trying. Probing. Experimenting. Not implementing. Maybe its not such a bad thing. Maybe it is.
So, do I still want to make a difference, leave my mark, do something with my life
? Hell yes, who doesn't? But the question still remains�� WHAT?