Why Not?

My mood today is reflective. There is a dull feeling inside.

I remember the last time I felt like this was watching the twin towers come down on the small television screen in my office, and then turning back to the papers spread across my table and thinking just how inconsequential everything now seemed. Nothing made sense.

Yesterday I walked into my daughters bedroom and just stood there watching her as she slept. I bent over her, drank in her toddler smells and kissed her, over and over. I felt my fears retreat when I did that.

The tears have finally come and understanding and acceptance of what has happened are desperately trying to fight their way through the dullness of my mind. I have read and re-read all the comments that have been left. I have been surprised at how many of you have suffered the loss of a friend as well and I have been touched by your kind words of encouragement and support.

I think what has rattled me the most is that death, or grief, seems to be coming closer and closer to home. Death, in my naiveté, was the exclusive reserve of the elderly, the terminally ill or those caught up in unfortunate situations like car or plane crashes. But obviously, the joke was on me. The realisation that I, we, are not immune from it is hitting hard. We are now losing friends – people who are our age in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s- the age where we are at our most indestructible, or so I used to think. And the deaths are all so weird – happening for no apparent reason or cause. No lengthy illnesses, no genetic disorder, no apparent ill health. Just normal healthy people dropping down dead.

As a friend of mine told me, When it is time, it is time. I find no comfort in that.

As Ekoya so eloquently put it…

"What's the point?"

I would rather ask: "Why not?".

Since we do not know what life holds for tomorrow and whether we'll even be here tomorrow, I think like your friend did, the best we owe ourselves is to live the things we want today hoping tomorrow will be ours.

And if perchance tomorrow never becomes ours, we would at least die doing what we dreamed. The alternative would be to do nothing, afraid of "struggling" because it may not be worth our while and then tomorrow comes, and we would have done nothing. That would be emptiness.

The baby I carry has begun to move reminding me that as one life departs another is about to be born to replace it.

So I move on, draw a deep breath and ask ‘Why Not?’

My friend, this is for you....

I Squeeze a Little Tighter

When I hug I squeeze a little tighter

When I kiss I kiss a little longer

When I speak I speak a little softer

When I smile I smile a little warmer

When I touch I touch a little firmer

When I listen I listen with a little more interest

When I search I search for a little more understanding

When I question I question with a purpose

When I see I see with a little more clarity

When I am tempted to complain

I stop

Think of you

And I squeeze a little tighter