The Marriage Myth

Over the last few weeks, I have read with great interest a couple of posts by some bloggers lamenting their state of singledom or giving how-to-get-your-man-to-marry-you strategies and so on. I have read these posts with a smile on my face and a shake of my head. I sort of blogged about this here and here some months ago but feel the need to revisit the subject. As you read this, please bare in mind that I am not trying to put you off marriage, just open your eye a little bit to it.

Many years ago, long before I ever got married, I was moaning to a married friend of mine about how much I wanted to get married. She turned to me with a funny smile on her face and said the strangest thing. She said to me ‘Those of us who are married want to come out and those who are single are dying to get in’. At the time I thought what the hell is she going on about? And ironically enough, these words were spoken to me at the wedding of a mutual friend. Now, almost 10 years later I know exactly what she meant by her words that day.

What my friend expressed then was not a regret of her married state but wistfulness and wishful –ness (if such a word exists) of what being single offers – FREEDOM.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been married now for five years and  I love my husband to bits, love being married to him and wouldn’t have things any other way but I will be the first to admit that  from time to time I wish I could be single again, even if it’s only for a few days.

What wouldn’t I give for those days when I could just come and go? And especially now that I have a toddler, those days of coming and going as I please are long gone. Even a date (what’s that??) with my husband to see a movie or have a meal has to be planned weeks ahead and with military precision. Perhaps it may be a little easier in Nigeria where one can get a nanny relatively easily and cheaply. Over here though, I have no such luxury.

Then there are the very unexciting and mundane day to day things that come with being married – the cooking (yes, what once used to be an enjoyable pastime, now becomes a chore.  Gone are the days of just having bread and tea for lunch because you can’t be bothered to cook), the cleaning, laundry, sleepless nights (if you have a little baby), etc. And if you have a husband who happens to be domestically challenged then you’d better believe that you’ll be taking on the role of the unpaid house girl as well. Oh you can rant and rave and rake, but if you ain’t going to do it, no one else will – except you don’t mind living in a pigs sty that is.

Oh and another thing, just in case you are not aware, when you get married you are not only marrying the man, you are marrying his whole family. But that’s a whole other issue.

And when you quarrel, you know how you could just turn around and walk off into the sunset or bang the receiver of the phone down on him when you were single and then a couple of hours later you’ll call back or he’ll call back and it’s all kiss, kiss, love, love, sorry, sorry and all will be well again? Sweetheart, when you’re married there’s no walking off into the sunset. You will be under the same roof with this man you are so pissed off with and who at that point in time you could strangle with your bare hands and na de same bed wey you go sleep in together. No receiver banging here. You will just have to sort things out and quick if you want peace and harmony to reign in your home.

Listen, marriage is not all fairy tale white dresses and parties and hearts and bells. Forget the movies. Marriage is HARD WORK. Period. Marriage is all about compromise, a loss of identity (usually yours if you’re a woman), a loss of freedom (at least in the early years of raising your children), and sometimes a suppressing of your feelings, your potential and your needs. Marriage can be sweat and tears and heartache. Many times in marriageYOU come last. Marriage is all about change, and the change is usually yours. Ask any of your married friends and tell me if my words are untrue.

I get so angry when women are made to feel that their sense of self worth comes only with a ring on their finger. We are born and we are daughters, then we go to school and we are students and undergraduates, then we start work and we are defined by our jobs, then we get married and are defined by our Mrs status and Mother status. When are we going to wake up and be proud of who we are, what we have achieved and what we can achieve in the future with or without a ring on our finger?

Oh yes, definitely, there are very good sides to marriage – being with the man you love, having your children together, being part of a close knit unit and so on. But please, please don’t feel that without marriage you are nothing or incomplete. This, as far as I am concerned is an unfortunate message that has been sent out by society to single women.

From the age of 25 or thereabouts, we are made to feel inadequate if we don’t already have a potential suitor knocking on our door. We are often questioned, sometimes by total strangers or far removed ‘aunties’, about our relationships ‘So is he serious? Ah, if he hasn’t said anything by now, you should drop him’. Or, ‘Hm, my dear, your clock is ticking oh!’ How rude and undermining.  We start to get worried when one friend after another gets married and it appears that we are going to be left on the shelf. And then we get desperate and if there is one thing a man can smell from a mile off, its the stink of desperation. And there’s no better ingredient than desperation to put a man off.

So from me to you, if you are single and reading this and have built into your head a picture of marriage as being a fairly tale heaven – disabuse yourself of this idea. There is nothing glamorous about marriage. Enjoy and celebrate your singledom. This is your chance to travel the world, take risks, get all the degrees you want, start that business, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!! YOU define who you are- not a boyfriend, or a job or a husband.  Live your life and stop worrying so much about getting married. Believe me there are many married women out there dying to swap places with you even for only one day. And that’s the truth.